Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Vodka?
Forever.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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