meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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