My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
