last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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