Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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