Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
