Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
