I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I need water and some morals
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
