oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
