Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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