Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
