I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
