I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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