sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize