i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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