If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
