If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
