I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
