I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
