if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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