my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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