i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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