I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My vagina is very pro this idea
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
