Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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