You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
