If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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