the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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