if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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