omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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