you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So many bounce houses so little time
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
