Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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