the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
