dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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