that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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