After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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