brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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