my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
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Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
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Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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