That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
My underwear smells like fireworks.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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