It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
