some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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