if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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