I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
