I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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