Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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