it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
What a dumb baby whore.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
