I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
