Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
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Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
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He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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