I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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