if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
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When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.