the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.