I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.