Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car