Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
