We're facebook friends in real life
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I love having hate sex.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
