Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
