We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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