8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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