If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
