you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
